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the keanu code

There’s something suspicious going on with him, and I can’t be the only one perplexed by the whole confused, contradictory, deadpan mystery that is Keanu Reeves.

Firstly, his facial expressions. Here’s an acting sheet, with a full list of expressions, as exemplified by Keanu.

 

Who else can claim such a range? A tree, you say? Well, as the website http://www.whoaisnotme.net/anr/kcthetree.htm firmly rebuts,

 

Claiming that Keanu Reeves is in reality a tree or made of wood is a pretty serious accusation, and one that has the potential to hurt many of his friends and family who would no doubt feel rather deceived and possibly repulsed at the knowledge that someone they knew and loved turned out to be a plant (or ex-plant) they knew and loved.

However, let’s not jump to hasty conclusions and first examine the claim a little more closely. As Keanu has been accused of being a tree, let us first lay out some of the things we know about trees and see how much of it is true about him:

1) Trees tend to have brown trunks and green leaves spread out on their branches. Most of them grow straight up.

2) They are capable of making their own food by standing in the sun.

3) They give off oxygen.

4) Fourthly, with the exceptions of growth and swaying in the breeze, they do not move.

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Secondly, his appearance of agelessness. It’s almost as if. . . Well, I’ll let the video speak for itself.

 

 

He not only looks somewhat similar whilst expressing a  wide range of emotions, but also looks similar regardless of age, millennium and identity. This is an amazingly controversial revelation.

Unsurprisingly (being either immortal or a vampire), Keanu excelled at sports while at school. The sport he performed best at was hockey, in which he commonly played as goal-keeper. His team-mates nick-named him “The Wall,” because of his excellent goal-keeping abilities, and the fact that he had the emotional range similar to a wall.

Not only that, but if you calculate the date between Paul Mounet’s death (10 February 1922) and Keanu Reeves’ supposed birth (2 September 1964), you will find that calculates as exactly 15545 days– also known as 42 years, 6 months and 23 days.

42 years: the ultimate answer to the ultimate question of life, the universe and everything!

6 months: The number of the beast!

23 days: the number 23: the secret number behind every event ever!

These significant numbers cannot be a coincidence. Either that, or they are a coincidence, and Keanu is really not a vampire or immortal. I think we both know which is more likely.

 

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Thirdly, Keanu has established a successful career as an actor, with no obvious inclination towards acting at all. This is shown by the following video, titled “worst actor ever:”

 

 

I rest my case.

 

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How far does this Keanu Reeves thing go? Well, take a closer look at the sectioned part of the following photo:

 

 

Now, compare that with a picture of Keanu:

 

 

Woah.

 

 

And finally, a word from the “man” himself.

For now, Keanu Reeves. For now.

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For reasons beyond reason, I’ve withheld on the most part from watching films for a few years. From 05-08 I must have watched anywhere from 400 to 600 movies. Even when it felt like a chore, there was a discipline, an undefinable growth, that occurred when I forced myself to sit through the rest of a movie which I really just wanted to be different. But sometimes it was anything but a chore.

Some of the memories I miss most:

 

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well i guess they did leave it open for a sequel…

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